im glad nobody reads this, and at this point, i hope nobody ever does,    
my mole skine is almost empty, as in, nearly full.   ill either buy another, or turn all my notes to self virtual.  
i made the mistake of going on to annies facebook.  
it just made me sink further.    its jared, smart.     sigh.
this is so typically stupid, i broke up with her, and now i spend hours considering suicide.  
keaton put it well.   i hope this is the worst itll get  before equalizing to something i can live with.  

I dont regret it, and  im not wanting to go back, its just,...  what is it?    whats my problem?
is it the fact that she is beautiful?  nah, and i really do believe that there are myraid amounts of men who would be more compatible with annie,  jareds perfect.  
 okay so why the fuck am i depressed again?   i never know, its just this self perpetuating mental state.  Initiated by some trigger, the smallest, or biggest thing,  im writing just to fill space,

what do i really want to say?  to myself i guess.   

Why should i not end my life?    list of reasons-

playing music.....

....

is that it?
its crazy to think that 911 happened half my lifetime ago.

i guess music is the only thing i care about, i have nothing else that i strive for.    and for some reason i have no desire to chase any woman,  or man obviously.   i keep asking my self, but no, i dont think im gay.   
what the hell.     im totally just a puppet,    a second ago i my keyboard typed things i didnt intend to.   my fingers moving with no thought, so where does the energy to move them come from.   my theory, other peoples conscience, whether deliberate of chaotic,  theres something going on here.   
and the idea that im not in complete control makes me what nothing.   theres not much point to my existance,   now im getting emo again.     shit,      i hope this institution doesnt drive me to madness, or worse.        
aight its getting close, im closing this for the month, smoking a cig, and returning to class.    writing class, of course,
I may add writing to that list.    i like it, but its completely futile form of gratification. 

whatever, im done