NO!... NOOOOO!!!!!!

this cant be happening.
has somebody, (or possibly 29 people) seen my posts?!

no, thats not the point of this.... shit shit shit.  

How am i supposed to use this blog as a psychological wastebasket if theres somebody rooting through it afterwards?

well shit.... i suppose ill start a new one....

winter depressions, simmering procrastinations.

I went through, ( I have before)  all my F-book photos.. all of them.  just looking.
and
although ive felt the icy slip into a sadder mental state recently, the photo time line kinda clinched it.

God, what happened?    

                 shit............                        i think ive peaked...

I mean, its natural, the happiest and wildest times of life usually occur in the 5 years after high school.

but shit..... those past photos.....  where i am now...
                       alone on a couch, alone in the living room, housemates all out, me not invited, list of friends in this town is nonexistant, and im broke again.....  to much alone fun, too much money spent.

ugh- then there was the 'investment' into the pine needle.  geeze.

Im such a fuck up write now,  school has been laking due to apathy.  
I spent extravagently, leaving my bank account at 00050.76,
my social life.....  well.... never mind,

my antisocial life, however, is booming!

Im getting plenty of sleep, hours of practicing the guitar, reading novels, some beer, smokes, the unicycling has a ways to go, but whatever, ill get it in a year.
....
....
.....
i cleaned my room today....   i suppose motivated by growing hornyness, that and the smell.

god, and ive become such a guy lately, checking women out, thinking about sex...
I dont do those things!   but now sex is creeping into my desires like alcoholism sneaks into the green room on wednesdays..... sigh.

"heerrrrrrrr-oooooo----iiin.  be the death of me"     sigh.

Lena cant come out to play..... her boyfriend wouldnt take it to kindly..... sigh
alright, that seems like enough to this season.

oh but i didnt mention Dr Fid, and Dr. Foote.  aka Big Country, and Big Foot.  they make me feel sane.
and they are truely great together.   sigh,  to think that at one time i thought xtine had it in for me.
for her sake, im glad she doesnt.    

okay, ill take a second and work on a few summarizing lines.


sometimes reminders of the past can put a damper on the present.  
its a hinderance to view life as wrongs or writes,or ups and downs,
but instead, see it going in the only possible direction it can;
-Forward~

the up swing, manhood? and flagstaff.

So things are most definitely better.

I re-read some older posts in this blog, and feel a quick update, (if for nobody else but the future me), is necessary.  

Its been two relationships since annies, the hot and most definitely real canadian, and the cool, slightly sad navajo.    

the latter resulted in what im sure will be the darkest period of my youth.
                                                                                                                ... the scars prove.

but i ended that, moved out, moved her out, then in, then just moved......up to flag,
where i am now, sitting in the common room of the grand caynon international hostel.

the new season of arrested development just got put up.    on rachels account.

she, lena, and brendan and I drove up here together to see spafford- twas a great show.   and all ide like to say, write, and remember about that, is lena and I's love still exists.

which is something not to think about to deeply.

I swore myself to bachelor ism, even told the A-team to beat me out of any relationship,
                                  I do hope to get laid, but i imagine thats a bit tougher without a car, and in housing that forbids women and alchohol.                        

so really the conditions are prime.  for months of me time.   time to gather, observe, learn, and act,

all as true to myself as possible.....................fuck it,  this is me, if i dont like it, ill do what i do like.

and if you dont like it, well i guess you must not like me,   but at this stage, i kinda doubt it.

Im so very excited about this job (ace) , this housing ( 414 s san fran st. ), and this town, (the one with trains).      i dont know much about the actual day to day work.  but fid assures me that my co-interns are "my kind of people"    
I couldnt put it into words, but i think i know what he means.  
Oh and im going to quit smoking,  ACE doesnt allow smoking on project, which is 8 days long, so ill be nicotine free so very soon,   and then ill smoke for my 6 days off, then quit again.    I think itll be great for me.  
sigh
oh shit.....   is it time?      i feel that this post hasnt been as meaningful, deep, or depressing, as previous.

but hell, thats just not what my life is like right now, its stable, content, happy, and filled with shit i gotta get done.

tonite, ill wander, smoke the last of my buddies bud, hopefully socialize, and then finish arrested development.    which needs a short nickname......hmmm...

ar-dev........ rest ment......arrest loment......AD.......  

eh, thats a toughie, whatever,

G'nite